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For so long I tried to convince myself I would’ve broken up with you anyway. But that’s not true. The truth is I would’ve stayed. I would’ve stayed through the thick and thin. And I’m proud I was. Because that’s what a relationship is. And that what I will do someone for the right person. 

For so long I’ve tried to convince myself that I caused this, that I fucked up. But the truth is, I didn’t. You did. I’m no longer taking responsibility for what you did wrong. And I’m no longer overlooking it.

They always say a person can never truly hold onto what they don’t feel like they deserve. And now, I finally understand it. I was willing to give you everything. I offered everything. But everything wasn’t enough. Because what you deserved was nothing. You deserve what you wanted. You want nothing. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to let go. I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to realise that I can’t save you or help you fight your demons. Just like you can’t with me. I’ll still love you. I always will. I hope I’ll be strong enough to let go. I hope I’ll stop fighting for someone who won’t fight for me. But luckily, each time, you make me a little stronger. Each time, I realise that you can’t even hold your own emotions. Little can you hold mine. 

The glimmers I see in you aren’t you. This is you. You’ve been trying to show me this whole this who you really are. I’m sorry I believed you could be more.

I’m sorry that I thought me pushing you when you announced you were going to kick me out meant it was okay for you to choke me, to hit me and to slap me intently. The truth is you know this, and you’re trying to escape what you are unproud of. Maybe blaming me makes you feel better. Makes you feel like you’re still a good person. Maybe deep down you are. But it’s buried so far. Being with you is like walking on quick sand. One moment, it feels stable, the next, it sinks you into a deep deep hole, engulfs you, and somehow blames you for being in that hole. You hurt me, then you blame me for being hurt. You blame me for being emotional. Like my feelings don’t matter. 

I’m not perfect. I made many mistakes as well. But regardless of what I did. I know I did one thing right: I tried to make it right. Even when I felt like you were overreacting, or being upset for longer than you should have been. I eventually tried to make it right. 

I’m sorry I tried to carry the weight of both of us on my shoulders for someone whose biggest complaint after our breakup was that I burped. I’m sorry I believed in you. I won’t believe in people who don’t have the capacity to live up to it. Not everyone can do it. And even if they could, I don’t have infinity to see it happen. 

Time is limited. Time is currency in this precious life of ours. And I’m sorry I traded with someone who is stingy. Someone who doesn’t value loyalty or time, but dedicates all their time to someone they only just met. Someone who speaks always poorly about their old “friends”, and always poured praise about new “friends”. Someone who is always looking for the next “best” thing, while claiming to be “loyal”. Someone who’ll never have the satisfaction of a relationship of depth of time. I should’ve known. After all, it’s how all your relationships have turned out.

I’m sorry I thought this was a team that could get through it all. When all you do is break me down. When I’ve been willing to so easily let go of everything you’ve done out of malice. When you were so easily riled up about everything I did out of love. When I held your emotions with care. When I didn’t complain when you didn’t apologise. Didn’t count the days it took you to do so, or never do so at all. There’s so much you never apologised about. And there’s too much I have. 

Although I could hold up the weight of us both, I’m no longer sure that’s the right thing. Maybe I’ll text again, maybe I’ll call again. But you’ve stopped fighting. You stopped fighting long ago. And I understand, you’ve got many other battles to fight. And you’ll always have more. When you’re always looking for the next one, as you leave the fighting grounds of the previous before it’s ever concluded. When you run away once the going gets tough. 

When should you stop trying? When the other person has stopped trying. I know it’s the right thing, but why can’t I do it? I guess love is a funny thing. You can love anyone, an idiot, a criminal, a cheat. Love doesn’t discriminate. And I’m proud I have the capacity and the strength to love. Not many do, not in the fearless way anyway, and now I know. 

When you said we should go skating, grab a drink, each and every pinky promise. I didn’t believe you, but I wanted to see the best version of you. I chose to keep that version of you in mind. When you were never willing to do that for me. Not unless, and when, I was the new, shiny thing of course.

I know you can trust. You can trust and love blindly. But only for people you’ve only just met. You have no sustaining friendships or relationships. No marathons you’ve run. Maybe it was too optimistic for me to think you could now, without any training. But life is short and time is precise. I shouldn’t wait for you to do something you’ve never been able to do. I don’t know if you’ll ever do it. And I don’t want to believe in you anymore. 

I’m the one who held this relationship up because I value things that last. I’m the one who did it even when I knew it’d make me look like an idiot. I put my ego aside. And it was naive of me to think that you could ever do the same. But that’s not a job for me alone. You hurt me, then you tell me I’m acting crazy when I act like someone who’s been hurt. You don’t try to resolve it. You ask me to resolve it, and fight for you in my own head. Why do I keep doing it? 

I’m sorry I thought you could be there for me when you can’t even be there for yourself. When you can’t even pick your battles. Not to mention, fight them. Take care of yourself. As much as you can.