Maybe sometimes you have to risk burning a bridge to see if it’s fireproof.

Our relationship was toxic. Really toxic. Or maybe it became toxic. It was not good for us. Or maybe it became bad for us. And I know that. I really do.

but the funny thing is, if you texted me, I’d go back to you in a heartbeat.

Because that’s what I think love is. That’s what I think a relationship is. Being there when it’s hard. Setting your ego aside. Taking punches after punches. But trusting that the other person means well above all odds.

I would go through a thousand, a million days of pain for you. I would cry an ocean of tears for you.

I also have trust that we would figure it out eventually, that we really have that capability, and that it would all be worth it. I really believe that, and I believe that with all my heart and head.

I know I deserve more. I know deserve someone I can depend on. Someone I can lean on. Someone who was a safe place for me to land.

But truthfully, I am willing to give that up. And truthfully, I think it would be the right thing to do. Not because I feel emotional. I do. Of course. But in all the moments I detach my emotions, I believe this too.

honestly, you surprised me in the beginning of our relationship. The way you handled conflict so well. The way you set things aside and focused on the bigger picture. You really impressed me. At that moment, I genuinely started to see us lasting forever. I genuinely started to fight for us too. And when I started fighting, I had—and have—no intention of giving up.

I put all my other doubts aside because truly, I felt this was the most important. But now you’ve proved me wrong. You’ve proved that that wasn’t truly what you believed in. (Or at least, it wasn’t something you were willing or able to endure—I guess time always tells) That something else motivated you to say those things, and act the way, you did before. What? I don’t know. I have guesses, but I’ll never know.

Sure, you did always have a tendency towards over-optimism.

If you text me, I’d go back to you. I’d go back to you in a heartbeat. Without doubt.

But I know you never will. (And now I can know with as much certainty as possible)

And maybe…

just maybe:

that gives me peace.